by Tommy Gimler
The good news for Padres fans is that they just landed baseball’s best closer in Craig Kimbrel. The bad news is that they also just landed baseball’s worst player in Melvin Upton, Jr.
Let’s be honest: Trying to accurately predict how many games a team is going to win over a 162-game season is almost as hard as finding somebody else at Dodger Stadium who speaks English. I mean, Christopher Russo had the Rays, Red Sox, and Yankees all making the postseason last year, and he gets paid to do this shit.
That’s why we’re going to preview every team this year in three sentences or less. Because when it comes down to it, we know just as much as everybody else does this time of year: jack shit…
1. San Diego Padres
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We’re usually not big fans of teams the first year after they bring in loads of new talent (i.e. the 2013 Blue Jays), but while San Diego loaded up on talent this offseason in Myers, Shields, Justin Upton, Norris, and Middlebrooks, they also brought in turds like Matt Kemp and Upton, Jr. to level things off a bit. Maybe we’re reaching here, but if you’ve come to this site looking for serious in-depth MLB analysis, then so are you…
Daily Upper Decker: 92-70 (1st)
Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 88-74 (2nd)
Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 83-79 (3rd)
Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: 83-79 (2nd)
Vegas: 84 1/2 wins (2nd)
2. Los Angeles Dodgers
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The 1-2 combo of Clayton Kershaw and Zack Greinke is pretty much as good as it gets. But after those two studs, that rotation is about as shaky as Michael J. Fox doing, well, anything, I guess…
Daily Upper Decker: 88-74 (2nd)
Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 92-70 (1st)
Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 95-67 (1st)
Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Over 91 wins (1st)
Vegas: 91 1/2 wins (1st)
3. San Francisco Giants
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Last year, somebody stole Hunter Pence’s scooter, and the Giants still found a way to win the World Series. This year, Hunter Pence broke his arm, and the Giants will not…
Daily Upper Decker: 80-82 (3rd)
Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 81-81 (3rd)
Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 84-78 (2nd)
Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Over 81 wins (3rd)
Vegas: 83 1/2 wins (3rd)
4. Arizona Diamondbacks
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You know your team is going to be pure dog shit when the biggest news from your offseason has to do with a new food item on the menu at your ballpark. Granted, that does look pretty fucking delicious…
Daily Upper Decker: 74-88 (4th)
Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 71-91 (4th)
Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 65-97 (4th)
Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Under 75 wins (5th)
Vegas: 71 1/2 wins (tied-4th)
5. Colorado Rockies
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The last four previews for the Colorado Rockies have been the exact same thing. If they don’t get hurt, then blah, blah, blah…
Daily Upper Decker: 72-90 (5th)
Joel Reuter, Bleacher Report: 62-100 (5th)
Tom Verducci, Sports Illustrated: 69-93 (4th)
Ben Lindbergh, Grantland: Under 75 wins (4th)
Vegas: 71 1/2 wins (tied-4th)
Wait, there’s more: 2015 NL Central Preview
You have got to see this shit: