by Teddy Westside
Normally I talk hockey, but I certainly know about other sports as well, you hookers. And here is a short, short like your cock list of 2 people that shouldn’t be allowed to sniff my jock, much less be beating someone in vote-getting for the MLB All-Star Game.
Now, obviously the voting is just a popularity contest, but people should also be informed when they vote…sort of like when we vote for politicians, but not really…wait, goddamn I’m still hungover from the Hawks big Cup win…Anyway, here are two guys that should not be the leading vote getters at their respective positions:
- Troy Tulowitzki – This one will be tough to justify because they guy actually is really good. But, like always, because he is made of paper, he is back on the DL. Sure, he has 16 bombs and 51 RBI’s and those are great numbers for anybody, much less a SS, but the leading vote getter should be Jean Segura of the Milwaukee Brewers! Segura has played in 13 more games, has 22 more hits, 8 more triples and 23 more stolen bases than Tulo. The thing is chicks dig the long ball…so Tulo gets the nod here with fans. It is really too bad though because Segura is putting together a wonderful campaign during his true rookie season. The good news is, Segura will probably end up starting the All Star Game because Tulo will either still be broken or break again doing something as mundane as sniffing a Denver hooker’s panties. After these two, my vote would go to Ian Desmond of the Nationals…
- Pablo Sandoval – Wait, really? How is this turd even on the damn list?! Ok, seriously, just tell me how this lump tard made the list in the first place…The player who should be voted in is David Wright. Why? Well, this will be easier than that 19-year-old broad you saw on Mifflin just way too hammered for the first time after she broke up with her high school boyfriend…Let me break this down in one sentence: David Wright is better than Sandoval in EVERY SINGLE STATISTICAL CATEGORY: Hits, games played, doubles, triples, homeruns, OBP, OPS, body image…you name it, Wright is better. Done.
I won’t tell you guys to go out and vote…but if you are going to do it anyway, do it responsibly. Be responsible like when you make sure to double-bag it when you bring that nasty piece of trim home from the bar who turns out to be kind of related to you but you’re so fucked up that you’re going to plow her anyway kind of responsible…