by Tommy Gimler
If you had Colorado’s Michael Cuddyer owning the season’s longest hitting streak at 27 games, you’re a fucking liar. Likewise, nobody pegged the Pittsburgh Pirates to own baseball’s best record on the final day of June. After 82 games, B.J.Upton is hitting just .177. On the opposite side of the spectrum, New York’s Matt Harvey leads the NL in ERA, WHIP, BAA, opponents OPS, and strikeouts.
Yeah, the first half of the 2013 MLB season has been almost as exciting as a Kate Upton slow motion titty bounce. But if you’ve been wasting your time tuning into David Stern’s fixed league or just made parole, here’s what you missed:
NL East
Atlanta Braves – 48-34, 1st place
On pace for: 94-68 (OVER 86 wins)
Oh fuck yeah – The Braves have been on top of the NL East since Opening Day. At 28-11, Hotlanta owns the best home record in baseball. Their 99 home runs are good for second in the NL, as are their pitching staff’s 3.20 ERA, 52 quality starts, and 24 saves…
Oh shit – The Braves swing and miss more than a Persian at a nightclub in Des Moines. Their 716 strikeouts are 42 more than the Pirates, who have the second highest total in the NL. But hey, they’re both in first place in their respective divisions, so maybe we shouldn’t give such a shit. Oh, and Tim Hudson and Julio Teheran both have a higher batting average than B.J. Upton…
Washington Nationals – 42-40, 2nd place
On pace for: 82-80 (UNDER 90 wins)
Oh fuck yeah – Jordan Zimmermann and Stephen Strasburg are the second-best 1-2 pitching combo in the National League this year. The two have combined for a 16-9 record, a WHIP of under 0.99, and an ERA under 2.44. Shortstop Ian Desmond is proving that his 2012 season was no fluke. Through 81 games, Desmond is hitting .275 with 15 home runs and 49 RBI…
Oh shit – Watching Ryan Zimmerman throw across the diamond is almost as painful as shoving a screwdriver up your peehole. Only Pittsburgh’s Pedro Alvarez has committed more errors at third base. And here’s another turd alert. Only 28 players in all of baseball are making more than Jayson Werth’s $16 million this year, yet 100 players have more home runs than the Nationals outfielder…
Philadelphia Phillies – 39-44, 3rd place
On pace for: 78-84 (UNDER 81.5 wins)
Oh fuck yeah – Domonic Brown has just as many home runs as Chase Utley and Ryan Howard combined. Cliff Lee has been almost as amazing as a set of big fake tits. He’s in the top ten among NL pitchers in ERA, WHIP, wins, strikeouts, innings pitched, and WAR…
Oh shit – To say Cole Hamels’ 2013 season has been the equivalent to a big brown bag filled with pig shit is an understatement. The Phillies lefty has been damn near as pathetic as anything Taylor Swift does. No qualifying pitcher in the NL has fewer wins and more losses than Hamels. Yup, even Wily Peralta and Dan Haren have more wins than this guy. Only nine starters have a worse ERA than Hamels’ 4.58 mark…
New York Mets – 34-45, 4th place
On pace for: 70-92 (UNDER 74 wins)
Oh fuck yeah – Matt Harvey is hands down the best pitcher in baseball. David Wright is finally leading all NL third basemen in All-Star voting, and it’s about time. Wright is on pace to finish 2013 with a .306 average, an OPS of .914, 35 doubles, 10 triples, 25 home runs, 29 stolen bases, 86 runs, and 86 RBI. And if anybody else on the Mets can find their way on base, his RBI total could reach 100. Eric Young Jr. might be that guy. Since coming over to the Mets from the Rockies, Young has hit safely in 10 of 12 games…
Oh shit – According to ESPN New York’s Adam Rubin, “If it’s July 1, that means the Mets owe Bobby Bonilla $1,193,248.20 today…and each July 1 through 2035.” Shawn Marcum and Jeremy Hefner are a combined 3-15 even though 14 of their 26 outings have been labeled “quality starts.” That’s because only three NL teams have scored fewer runs than the Mets…
Miami Marlins – 29-51, 5th place
On pace for: 59-103 (UNDER 64.5 wins)
Oh fuck yeah – As is usually the case in Miami, the future looks bright for the Marlins. Jose Fernandez and Jacob Turner have been impressive so far. The duo has a combined record of 7-4, a WHIP of 1.07, an ERA of 2.42, and 121 strikeouts in just under 134 innings pitched. And hey, all 95 pounds of Juan Pierre have stolen 18 bases so far…
Oh shit – Look, it’s no surprise that a team with a minor league roster has the worst record in the National League. Among players with enough AB’s to qualify, Placido Polanco leads the Marlins with a .299 OBP, and that is horrible. Like Bill Walton horrrrrrrible. While the Marlins’ bullpen has only blown seven saves this year, it’s not as impressive when you take into account that the Marlins never have the lead, and thus are last in the league with 23 save opportunities. The Marlins are the worst in all of baseball in runs scored, home runs, OBP, and OPS, and that means they suck worse the Goo Goo Dolls…