by Tommy Gimler
If you had Colorado’s Michael Cuddyer owning the season’s longest hitting streak at 27 games, you’re a fucking liar. Likewise, nobody pegged the Pittsburgh Pirates to own baseball’s best record on the final day of June. After 82 games, B.J.Upton is hitting just .177. On the opposite side of the spectrum, New York’s Matt Harvey leads the NL in ERA, WHIP, BAA, opponents OPS, and strikeouts.
Yeah, the first half of the 2013 MLB season has been almost as exciting as a Kate Upton slow motion titty bounce. But if you’ve been wasting your time tuning into David Stern’s fixed league or just made parole, here’s what you missed:
NL West
Arizona Diamondbacks – 45-41, 1st place
On pace for: 84-78 (OVER 81.5 wins)
Oh fuck yeah – Patrick Corbin is quickly moving up the list of guys who can run a train on my sister. The Diamondbacks lefty is fifth in the NL with nine wins, seventh with a 2.49 ERA and 115 2/3 innings pitched, and eighth with a 1.01 WHIP. 14 of his 17 starts have been of the quality variety. First baseman Paul Goldschmidt is also having a monster year, hitting .304 with 20 home runs and 71 RBI. His WAR of 4.3 and .934 OPS are both good for fourth in the NL…
Oh shit – Well, it didn’t take long for Trevor Cahill to become a huge pile of runny dog shit. Cahill in on the DL with a gay hip or some shit and is 3-10 with a 4.66 ERA. Ian Kennedy is supposed to be the team’s “ace” but instead owns an ERA of 5.16. Before they won their last three games, the Dbacks had lost eight of their previous nine. J.J. Putz is, well, a putz and Heath Bell has grown into a fat ball of shit, and they’re both part of a bullpen that leads all of baseball with 18 blown saves…
Colorado Rockies – 42-45, 2nd place
On pace for: 80-82 (OVER 71.5 wins)
Oh fuck yeah – Just as in previous years, the Rockies’ offense is almost as awesome as two broads scissoring each other on top of my wife’s Jetta. Their .271 batting average and .769 OPS are both 4th-best in all of baseball, their 407 runs are 6th, and their .104 home runs are good for 3rd. Five different players already have double-digit home run totals, led by Carlos Gonzalez’s 23. Tyler Chatwood is 4-2 with a 2.75 ERA, including a mark of 0.82 away from Coors Field…
Oh shit – Sure, the Rockies are in second place, but they’re also three games under .500. It’s like winning a silver medal at the Special Olympics. Yeah, it’s awesome you placed, but at the end of the day, you’re still fucking retarded. The Rockies are just 7-12 since Troy Tulowitzki went on the DL (again). The Rockies pitching has been pig shit again this year, ranking 25th or worse in all of baseball in most major pitching categories…
Los Angeles Dodgers – 41-44, 3rd place
On pace for: 76-86 (UNDER 89.5 wins)
Oh fuck yeah – So, this Yasiel Puig dude can kind of play the game. Over his first 30 games, Puig is hitting .420 with 8 home runs, 50 hits, 24 runs, 19 RBI, an OPS of 1.155, and 4 stolen bases. I’d let him plow my sister, but he brings such a high level of energy to the ballpark every night that I’m afraid he would split her in two. Clayton Kershaw’s 1.93 ERA is the best mark in the National League. His 0.93 WHIP is second, as are his 126 strikeouts. And no pitcher has a higher WAR in the NL than Kershaw (5.1)…
Oh shit – What happened to Matt Kemp? Since his “should’ve been MVP” season of 2011 (which Dodgers fans still won’t shut the fuck up about), Kemp has been an oft-injured turd ever since. This season, Kemp is hitting just .254 with four home runs. 221 other players have more home runs than Kemp, including teammate Scott Van Slyke, who has hit six in just 72 at-bats…
San Diego Padres – 40-47, 4th place
On pace for: 80-82 (OVER 74.5 wins)
Oh fuck yeah – Shortstop Everth Cabrera leads the NL with 31 stolen bases. He also leads the team with a .300 batting average and .376 OBP. Eric Stults, not the actor who played Rocky Dennis in Mask but the starting pitcher, has put together a nice little season, and along with Jason Marquis has combined to compile 21 quality starts. Meanwhile, Marquis has managed to win nine games so far despite leading all of baseball with 60 free passes…
Oh shit – The Padres have lost their last seven games and nine of their last ten. San Diego’s pitching staff ranks 21st or worst in most major pitching categories, and their offense isn’t much better. A year after leading the NL in RBI, Chase Headley is on pace to drive in less than 60 in 2013. And the usually reliable Padres bullpen has been about as shaky as Janet Reno this year. Huston Street is 0-4 with an ERA of 4.45, and Luke Gregerson and Dale Thayer have combined to blow seven games so far. Plus, the Padres are super fucking boring to watch…
San Francisco Giants – 39-46, 5th place
On pace for: 78-84 (UNDER 86 wins)
Oh fuck yeah – Despite a horrific 39-46 record, the Giants are only 5.5 games out of first place, and they have played their division opponents rather well this year (23-18 through 41 games). Buster Posey is having another solid year behind the plate, hitting .310 with 12 home runs, 48 RBI, and a .389 OBP. Outfielder Hunter Pence is on pace to hit 25 home runs and steal 25 bases. Sergio Romo is on pace to save 37 games…
Oh shit - The reigning World Champions are anything but this year. Losers of their last four and nine of their last ten, San Francisco’s team ERA is an uncharacteristic 4.06. In fact, not one qualifying starting pitcher has an ERA under 3.08. That mark belongs to Madison Bumgarner. The next best ERA for a starter is Barry Zito’s 4.44. The Giants’ 37 quality starts are the third-fewest in the NL. But it’s not just the Giants’ starting pitching that has been pig shit this year. The defense behind them has committed 59 errors, fourth-most in the NL. And Pablo Sandoval is fatter than he’s ever been…