by Tommy Gimler
There will be a new Major League Baseball World Series champion when the season comes to a close this October, and that is because the San Francisco Giants are pure dog shit.
The Giants were 28-22 and tied atop the NL West with the Arizona Diamondbacks on May 26th, but they have been shooting blanks ever since. San Francisco hasn’t won back-to-back games since June 18th and 19th when they took a pair from the San Diego Padres, the second most atrocious team over that same time frame. They now sit at 40-47, 4th place in the division, and 6 1/2 games behind Arizona.
Any way you add it up, the Giants have been turds, losing 8 of their last 10 (2nd worst in MLB), 13 of their last 16 (worst), 16 of their last 21 (worst), and 32 of their last 49 (worst). According to Henry Schulman, the Giants beat writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, it’s not only the well-documented surprising lack of starting pitching that is dooming the Giants this year but also the amazing slumps some of their hitters are desperately trying to shed:
Hunter Pence hasn’t gotten a hit over his last 22 at-bats and is 2 for his last 37.
Fat ass Pablo Sandoval is 5 for his last 45.
Brandon Crawford is 1 for his last 28 and 7 for his last 50.
Gregor Blanco was hitless over his previous 22 at-bats before collecting three hits Saturday night.
No team has scored fewer runs and hit fewer home runs than the Giants since June 1st. San Francisco is averaging under three runs per contest, and the Giants have hit just 16 home runs over that time frame . In fact, San Fran is hitting a home run every 69.6 at-bats over their last 33 games, by the far the worst mark in all of baseball.
But not being able to score runs isn’t news when it comes to the Giants. In fact, it’s about as expected as a fuck sesh with any Wisconsin girl on the third date. Seriously, you would think the third date rule is written somewhere in the Bible when it comes to these broads. And when it comes to the Giants, not scoring runs hasn’t been an issue because they usually have the best pitching in the NL bailing them out.
Not this year.
San Francisco starting pitchers have given up 63 home runs this year, third-most in the National League through 87 games. Last year, basically the same staff gave up the seventh-fewest home runs in all of baseball (104). Matt Cain alone has been responsible for 16 of those, and the Giants’ $127 million man has yielded more earned runs than any other NL pitcher so far (60). Consequently, Cain is sporting an ERA of 4.85 (5th-worst among NL starters). Barry Zito owns the worst WHIP in the NL at 1.62, and Zito and Tim Lincecum are tied for the fewest quality starts among qualified National League starting pitchers (6).
Sure, the Giants are only 6 1/2 games out of first place in the pig shit NL West, but to say the reigning World Series champions are going in the wrong direction is a bigger understatement than simply saying we would like to have dinner with Kate Upton. I mean, everybody knows we would eat blue cheese out of her asshole…