by “Dirty” Mike Valley
So Gim goes to this Brewers-Pirates game, and he says he almost blew chunks tailgating at Miller Park because he just parties that fucking hard. But I would assume that he actually got trashed on Listerine at the airport, alone, because no one wanted to pick his mohawkin’ ass up.
But I digress. He lays out that wearing a McGehee Brewers’ jersey is a fan foul, and I couldn’t agree more. Baseball has a long memory, and if you suck somewhere, you suck there forever. Matt Garza could win 25 games for the Crew this year, and you still wouldn’t catch me using a Garza Cubs jersey to mop up a puddle of Gimler’s puke. So here’s my list.
SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS
Acceptable: Will Clark, Gaylord Perry, Willie Mays, Brian Wilson
Unacceptable: Barry Bonds, Jose Guillen, Aaron Rowland, Orel Hershiser, Barry Zito, A.J. Pierzynski
Discussion: What can you say about the Giants? Their past is a treasure trove of greats, long gone, and recently departed. Who doesn’t like Willie Mays? The NL feared the beard. Gaylord Perry’s spitball is the stuff of baseball legend. Will Clark is the guy we wish Barry Bonds was. Bonds was a great player, but that legacy will forever be tainted by the swelling of his gigantic dome due to his juicing. Hershiser was great in LA, but not so in SF. In everyone’s mind, he should be in Dodger Blue, not Giants Orange. And vice versa for Brian Wilson. Everyone remembers Zito for the contract, not the career. Pierzynski is a bum. Owning a Pierzynski jersey from any of his teams is dumb, and you are dumb by extension…
LOS ANGELES DODGERS
Acceptable: Bill Russell, Don Drysdale, Duke Snider, Eric Gagne, Fernando Valenzuela, Hideo Nomo, Kirk Gibson, Sandy Koufax
Unacceptable: Daryl Strawberry, Milton Bradley, Manny Ramirez, Jackie Robinson
Discussion: The Dodgers are a great and storied franchise, with a ton of greats. And for every great slugger or pitcher, they have four or five straight up bums. Strawberry was a coke fiend, Bradley probably should have been a boxer with how much he fought, and anyone who would looks on the days of “Mannywood” with fond memories probably also owns a Barry Bonds jersey. And for anyone pissed off that I put Jackie in with this bunch of jerkoffs, remember this. NOBODY wears 42. Mariano was the last one, and deservedly so. You ain’t special, so you leave Jackie where he belongs: in the annals of sports history, not strapped across your chubby, acne scarred back…
ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS
Acceptable: None
Unacceptable: ALL OF THEM.
Discussion: The Diamondbacks suck. Why am I even writing this section? I guess you could wear a Randy Johnson jersey. BUT THAT’S IT. Fuck the Diamondbacks…