by Tommy Gimler
You know B.J. Upton is going to make the list, but who else is going to join him on the podium of overpaid turds?
6. B.J. Upton – OF, Atlanta Braves – $14.05 million
The Atlanta Braves really fucked up, like an “accidentally woke up next to your naked cousin” kind of fucked up, when they gave this clown $75 million over five years. Upton ranks in the bottom ten among all qualified hitters in batting average, OBP, and OPS. His 92 strikeouts are second only to Philadelphia’s Ryan Howard. The only thing keeping him from being #1 on this list is the fact he is only making $14 million this year…
5. Brian McCann – C, New York Yankees – $17 million
We’re pretty sure the New York Yankees paid McCann a boatload of cash to hit 23-27 bombs into Yankee Stadium’s short porch in right field. That hasn’t been the case, and McCann has instead been pure dog shit at the plate, hitting .223 with an OBP of just .284. That’s 62 points below his career average. And given how easy it is to hit home runs to right field at Yankee Stadium, the 17 home runs McCann is on pace for would be a huge disappointment…
4. Carl Crawford – OF, Los Angeles Dodgers – $21.1 million
Remember when Carl Crawford could get on base? Sure, it’s tough to do when you’re on the disabled list, but even when this turd was in the lineup, he was getting on base at a .293 clip. To illustrate just how pig shit awful that is, Travis Wood and Matt Cain are getting on base more often than Crawford and they’re pitchers…
3. Matt Cain – P, San Francisco Giants – $20.83 million
Speaking of Matt Cain, he hits our list at the #3 most overpaid turd even though he’s pulling in roughly $300,000 less than Crawford. I mean, at least Crawford did his team a favor and got hurt. Cain just continues to take the mound every five days and struggle. His 1-6 record is embarrassing but not as much as his 4.82 ERA in the National League…
2. CC Sabathia – P, New York Yankees – $23 million
Sure, Sabathia has been hurt and hasn’t pitched since May 10. But when he was healthy enough to take the mound, Yankees fans were probably wishing he was hurt. The Yanks have lost five of the eight games CC has pitched in this year, and when he returns to the mound next month, he’ll have a lot of work to do to before he’s not considered a turd. So far, opponents are hitting .301 against Sabathia, and he owns a 5.28 ERA and 1.48 WHIP…
1. Prince Fielder – 1B, Texas Rangers – $24 million
Sure, the Tigers chipped in $3o million to help Texas pay for Fielder’s fat ass and his massive contract. But that doesn’t change the fact that Fielder is pulling down $24 million this year alone, most of which is being picked up by the Rangers. And for that much coin, you better have your fat ass on the diamond damn near everyday. Instead, Fielder will miss most of the season due to neck surgery and finish with an embarrassing .247 average, 3 home runs, and 16 RBI…